Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Albert suspended?

First, let me apologize for the title. It was unfair to scare you like that.


The content is not original (to my blog, anyway) this morning, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. (Now that you've recovered from the shock.)

There's this website called el Ñame (it's kind of like the Onion in that they publish fake news loosely based on the real news) out of Puerto Rico (so it's obviously in Spanish), and when I checked the headline this morning, I decided I simply must share their latest article with you. (ps--Google has a very nifty translation tool if you want to see the whole article en inglés. It's not perfect, but it's quick. Just copy and paste the address and presto!)

MLB Suspends Albert Pujols for Testing Negative for Steroid Use

...Allan "Bud" Selig, last night announced the indefinite suspension of the Cardinals' star first baseman, Albert Pujols, after a series of tests revealed that the slugger is the only player in the Majors not using anabolic steroids to improve his performance on the field.

"It's unbelievable!" exclaimed Selig, referencing his office's traditional policy on steroids, consisting of making fools of themselves and ignoring the problem until a whistleblower decides to embarrass the League by revealing violations of the law about which they should have known.

"For years we have listened to Albert claim that he always gives 100% on the field. Well I have news: our analysts have obtained information showing that althletes that use steroids yield 145% compared to those who don't use! If Pujols doesn't agree to give that 145%, he is definitely not interested in the well-being of his team."

"Albert tried to defend himself, and even though he admitted that he had been using a type of drug called 'Mangú', this wasn't included on our list of preferred drugs and steroids. Also, our scientists couldn't decipher its chemical composition, although curiously enough, they have learned to dance merengue very well," explained the Commissioner.

"He should follow A-Rod's example, who finally admitted that his erectile dysfuntion problems are not due to natural causes," said the Commissioner.

"What does it matter if one ball doesn't work? Isn't that why you have two?" Selig asked with inquestionable logic.

"We hope that Mr. Pujols puts an end to all this egotistical and self-destructive behavior and that he starts injecting himself with [human growth] hormones until his head becomes even bigger than that of Barry Bonds," concluded Selig.